Monday, April 23, 2007

The Big Guy Speaks: Notes from the Fairfax County Adult Detention Center

So it has come to this.

I graduated from the best boarding school in the country. I attended The Vanderbilt University, inarguably the best university in the country. And today, April 23, 2007, I hit the quarter century mark. And now what? “Fast Cars and Freedom” for the Big Guy?

More like “Fast Cars and Jail.”

First off, Rascal Flatts are a bunch of jerks. They have it all wrong. The lovely though increasingly physical night officers at the Fairfax County Adult Detention Center definitely agree. Fast cars – the ones that go over 90 MPH – will inevitable land you in jail. But I won’t bore you with the more pedestrian intricacies of jail… the midnight spankings, the drunken Hispanics, the race riots, etc… We’ll get right to the good stuff.

At least he's not this guy
April 17th. After being roughed around by the guards for 30 minutes – what would be just one of many highlights of the night for them – I was lucky enough to see a TV in my holding cell and to my delight, it’s glued to ESPN. To my right: a Hispanic guy stretches out on three seats, drunk, shoeless. In front of me: an Asian guy lays out asleep… it has clearly been an unfortunate day for that guy. And to complete this dingy, politically correct jail cell, a black guy watches the evening’s SportsCenter. I sit alone, wearing a Patriots tee shirt, light brown khaki pants, and driving loafers [picture unavailable]. No one can blame Fairfax County for being racist. They screw over everybody.

Later on April the 17th: After an hour of dead silence besides Mel Kiper Jr. destroying Todd McShay with his sickening NFL Draft intellect -- does this guy spend any time with his family? -- the ice breaker is Vanderbilt’s finest Jay Cutler as he appeared on SportsCenter. I cannot use the exact word my black friend uses freely, the same word I would get horsewhipped for using, but it’s quite endearing of Jay in an urban sense.

My head is swimming.

The one nugget of solace that I had to this point enjoyed while being incarcerated was a break from The Vanderbilt Sports Line, from the incessant Bobby O’Shea-American Idol rants, from the inane back-and-forths about who has been the biggest douche bag this week, or the love affair Stanimal has with high school football players. Of all the gin joints/jails in all the world, Vanderbilt sports had to creep into my cell… on a Tuesday night in Fairfax County, Virginia.

At this point, I rise to my feet, walk to the television and flip it over to American Idol.

Yes, I was that sick [with emphasis] of the Vanderbilt Sports Line.

Wait a second. Is that Kim Bassinger’s rack? Maybe being forced to read this website every day is better than jail…

And if this article doesn’t interest you, this should


J.B., M.D. said...

Pretty much the best picture to ever grace this website, eh?

Stanimal said...

Those are huge

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


I invented Jenna Jameson.


Al Gore

Anonymous said...

there was something i was going to say, then i saw that pic and totally forgot.